A Metro Deathwish
It's been more than a few weeks since TUL has brought you an excellent Craigslist post, so in an effort to make it up to you, I've come across one of the greatest ones yet (until next week of course). The author of this well-written manifesto to the riders of DC's public transportation system broke his essay down into four sections, each detailing how not to piss off your fellow commuter. Here's a prolific perspective on some "Simple Rules for the Metro".
Section One: The Escalator
2. If you are too lazy, tired, overweight, crippled, or otherwise inclined so that you prefer to stand on the escalator rather than actively walk up or down the stairs like a normal person, please do so on the right hand side on the escalator so that you are not in the way of those of us with half a brain and a cardiovascular system that functions. If you are too wide for the average person to pass, you MUST walk up or down the escalator. You will not only avoid people wanting to kill you, but you will most likely become narrower with time.
Section Two: The Turnstiles
Congratulations! You have mastered the slowly-moving-staircase. Well done! But don't start sucking your own dick just yet, there is a lot more.
1. As you approach the turnstiles there are two things you should make sure of. One: You have a metro card. Two: there is money on it. DO NOT under any circumstances wait until you are in the turnstile with a line forming behind you to dig through your purse, pockets, etc. for your metro card. There are people like me who do not have the patience to wait for you to muster up enough of the little electrical impulses in that foggy void you call a brain to allow you to understand what is keeping you from advancing. Pretend you are a boyscout and be f*cking prepared.
And perhaps my favorite of this everlasting rant:
Section Four: The Train
3. No matter how tough or from Wisconsin you may be, you can not stand up on the train without holding on to anything. Please notice there are bars and handles placed everywhere for your convenience. If you try to stand, arms folded, thinking you look cool, only to flail around like the idiot you are when the train moves, falling all over the other people on the train, you should have you middle ear punctured so that you would then understand that your balance is not that f*cking good.
Whoa, I definitely feel the author and this dude should write a book together on public transit etiquette. "Ride or Die" would be the greatest title for it too.