The Upstate Life

Wednesday, December 01, 2004

How's My Driving? If You're a Pedestrian Then I Don't Care

Hey hey, my my it's certainly been awhile since we've had ourselves a Craigslist posting of the week. Not sure if it was whether a lack of good material or just laziness on my part, but The Upstate Life stumbled upon perhaps the greatest advice for the tourists we love so much, DC's Driving Guide. Not only are the majority of these tips dead-on, but the possibility of further addendums would be practically endless. Here are some noteworthy pointers for those who haven't drove their SUV's through the streets of the DC Metro Area and The Upstate Life's take on them:

1) The morning rush hour is from 5 to 11 AM. The evening rush hour is from 1 to 8 PM. The lunch rush is from 11 AM to 1 PM. Friday's rush hour starts Thursday morning, especially during the summer on Route 50 eastbound.

TUL Says: I've experienced the lunch rush firsthand on Route 1 in College Park. You'll use your entire hour up just trying to make it back to 495.

2) If you run the red light, be sure to smile for the $100 "picture" you will receive courtesy of DMV. However, if you don't go as soon as the light turns green, you will get cussed out in 382 languages, none of them English. If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear-ended and shot at.

TUL Says: So true, however, if you know where the red light cameras are and aren't placed, this further increases your strategic maneuvering around DC. For instance, there's a red light camera at an intersection on New Hampshire Ave that looks for people running the two straight lanes, but not the left turn one. (Notice: TUL does not endorse the totally cool act of running traffic lights)

3) All unexplained sights are explained by the phrase, "Oh, we're near Takoma Park."

TUL Says: Self-explanatory

And lastly, my favorite of many included in this handbook of sorts:

4) Rain causes an immediate 50 point drop of IQ in drivers. Snow causes an immediate 100 point drop in IQ and a rush to the local supermarket for toilet paper, bread and milk. IF it might snow, schools will be closed. If it is already snowing then the bus will pick up the children and they will immediately CLOSE the schools after 8 inches of snow has fallen. All parents must leave work upon arrival to pick up their children.

TUL Says: Coming from Albany, an area where 8 inches of snow would only result in a 2 hour delay at best, I'm interested to see what will transpire on the Beltway while commuting to work when that first tiny snowflake hits the asphalt. My guess is somewhere between 200 accidents in the span of 5 minutes, give or take of course.

Posted by Brett at 3:44 PM |