The Upstate Life
The Upstate Life

Thursday, August 18, 2005
Metro: Safer Than You Think

It appears a terrorist attack on the Metro is less likely to happen than getting cussed out by a pregnant lady wearing a wife-beater (and thong) for taking the last seat on the train. You see, the Metro is evidently designed too well to make it subject to any sort of attack on our beloved transportation system. One writer shares his thoughts as to why this is the case:

Al-Qaeda attempts to bomb Metro were foiled when:

AQ Bomber # 1 arrives at Woodley Park-Zoo station and discovers the escalator is out-of-order. Bomb kills him before he can get all the way downstairs.

AQ Bomber # 2 arrives at Smithsonian station and finds it clogged with tourists who are blocking the whole escalator. He doesn't know how to yell "stay to the right". Bomb kills him as he's running to the farecard machine.

AQ Bomber # 3 makes it to a farecard machine. The farecard machine won't take either of his bills or half his change. Bomb goes off and kills him as he fumbles for another nickel.

AQ Bomber # 4 decided to buy farecard with his debit card. Bomb goes off and kills him before he can figure the freakin' thing out.

AQ Bomber # 5 makes it through turnstile only to find the last escalator is out of order and nobody is moving. Bomb goes off and kills him as he runs towards the train (bing! doors closing! bing!).

I'm not sure Metro needs more security.

The Upstate Life believes #6 would've been bomber killing himself after eavesdropping on pregnant wife-beater lady while she was on her cell phone huffing "I don't know when this little mother fucker is gonna drop out, but it better be soon."

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