The Upstate Life
The Upstate Life

Thursday, April 06, 2006
Best Onion Sports Article Since "Special X-Games Ends in Extreme Tragedy"

The Onion takes on the escalating controversy of the Duke lacrosse scandal by exposing the sexual deviancy of the Blue Devils equestrian team. Seriously, just too damn funny.

"I've never been to one of their parties, but everyone at Duke has heard the rumors," said a sophomore who spoke on condition of anonymity, saying she wished to protect herself from possible retaliation by the "privileged elites" who make up Duke's top-tier riding clubs. "Everyone's drinking, the lights in the stable go down, someone gets some saddle soap and a curry-comb?. pretty soon everyone's bareback, they're playing 'strip dressage,' strange lathered-up fillies are prancing around... It's only a matter of time before someone becomes Catherine the Great."

Oh, and speaking of the lacrosse team, one of their very own players was arrested earlier this year right here in our backyard. Wow, that's as much a celebrity sighting as when one of the 9/11 terrorists used an ATM at the Wawa in College Park. According to the North Carolina newspaper The News & Observer, Collin H. Finnerty was arrested for assault after picking a fight with a random guy on Wisconsin Ave who was moronically minding his own business. Don't you know you're better off walking alone in Southeast DC than rendezvousing with a Duke lax player?

A man told a police officer who was driving by The Georgetown Inn on Wisconsin Avenue about 2:30 a.m. Nov. 5 that Finnerty and his co-defendants assaulted him, court documents said.

The man said he was minding his own business when the three men started picking on him. The man told them to stop "calling him gay and ... derogatory names." Then they attacked him, he said, "busting his lip and bruising his chin," court records say.

The accuser was not anyone that Finnerty knew, said his attorney, Steven J. McCool of Washington.

Hey, I mean the dude could've been straight for all we know but was maybe sporting a faux-hawk, so there's somewhat of a rationale to it I suppose. But still, this certainly won't help the Dukies image, or whatever is left of it.

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